1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,200 Well, bonjour to vous! 2 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:05,440 That's the sort of sophisticated patter 3 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:08,280 you'll get from a woman who's still got a boyfriend! 4 00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:09,480 AUDIENCE WHOOPS 5 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,400 Though elegance in the world of romance eludes me. 6 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,720 Oh, wow, look. A robin, lovely. 7 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,800 But I'm proving myself a good lady-woman for Mike. 8 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:31,920 Pssst... 9 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,400 Well, I don't want to lose him. He's great. 10 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,880 But Operation Maintain Dignity 11 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:53,560 means a suppressed silliness bursts out at inappropriate moments. 12 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,720 Now close your eyes. 13 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,640 Breathe... 14 00:00:58,640 --> 00:00:59,680 in... 15 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,080 and out. 16 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,080 Relaxed. 17 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,080 Peaceful and calm. 18 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,520 And open your... 19 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,520 SHE SCREAMS 20 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,040 WOMEN SCREAM 21 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:16,960 But generally, I'm sophisticated girlfriend personified. 22 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:21,320 I know this because, A - I now own a pashmina. 23 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,880 And B - I've stopped giggling when people say "sausage." 24 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,760 Can you sign these? 25 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,520 Oh, look at this place! 26 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,000 Do you know, one night without Mike and the real you explodes. 27 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,720 Well, I'm not ready for him to know that I make fruit friends. 28 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,000 And new Vegetapals. 29 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,000 Meet Mr Butternut. 30 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,480 Oh, hello to you! 31 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,120 I don't want that to put him off. 32 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,320 And what are you wearing? 33 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:01,400 I happen to be sporting an elasticated culotte. 34 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,680 Because you're a PE teacher from 1987? 35 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,600 Cos I've got nothing else left to wear. Washing machine's broken. 36 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,240 Do you want a round of swing muffin? 37 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,280 Of course. 38 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,000 Good luck! 39 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,960 - Ooh! - Ooh! 40 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,200 - Hello? - Oh! It's Mike! 41 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,600 Oh... 42 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,920 Glee box set! 43 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:21,960 Hide it! 44 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,760 - Modern Art! - That's nice. 45 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,400 - Oh! - Fruit friends! - Fruit friends! 46 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,560 My taxi was going past and I just, er... 47 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,040 AUDIENCE WHOOPS 48 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,800 Oh, I've missed you! Oh! 49 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,040 Well, I've... I've missed you too. 50 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,040 I just came to get a glimpse, really, I... 51 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,120 I'll come down. Pass my pashmina. 52 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,320 No. 53 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,200 It's my chic look! 54 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,560 What...? 55 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,760 What's that? 56 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,400 That is Stevie's. 57 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,480 Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's my friend's. 58 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,080 I'm looking after it while she's away, she didn't want to... 59 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,640 leave him in a kennel. 60 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,240 Ooh! 61 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,120 - MIRANDA CHUCKLES - Do you want to play a game? 62 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,160 I'm working. 63 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,520 Oh, come on. We could play "What cereal am I?" 64 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,040 Or "Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?" 65 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,360 Oh... 66 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,440 Sorry. 67 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,800 Ooh! 68 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,240 My pants have gone, er...northwards. 69 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,320 Ooh! Specifically, north-north-east. 70 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,360 Sorry. 71 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,400 Sorry. 72 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:35,920 Oh, this is a public space! 73 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,880 Sorry, but I washed these last pair of pants in the dishwasher, 74 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,520 and it sort of melted them. 75 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,720 It was resourceful! 76 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:45,880 Ooh, dear, no... 77 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:46,920 SHE LAUGHS 78 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,680 It's getting really uncomfortable now, actually. 79 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,600 I'm going to have to take my pants off. 80 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:52,640 Oh! 81 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,440 Sorry, sir, I didn't see you and immediately think, 82 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,920 "I must take my pants off." 83 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,000 I'm not being lewd. 84 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,400 Do excuse me. 85 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,760 Excuse me. 86 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,040 Ooh! 87 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,480 No, I'm not sure about this going-commando business. 88 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,320 - Ooh, no, that feels wrong. - I'm so sorry. 89 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,360 I'm a culotte incident away from moonery. Careful! 90 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,680 How you think you're fit for the adult world of relationships 91 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:22,960 is beyond me. 92 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,320 For that statement, I find myself begging your pardon. 93 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,160 You're pretending to be someone you're not when you're with Mike, 94 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,640 then one night without him, you're a child again, 95 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:35,320 and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious. 96 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,600 Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole. 97 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,160 You're just jealous, Miss Singletypops! 98 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:44,040 I'm a functioning adult in a mature relationship. 99 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,160 Darling... 100 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,000 I've got your bed sheets. 101 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,560 I ironed the Knight Rider duvet 102 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,720 because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar. 103 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,000 All Penny does is sort out your life. 104 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,760 Excuse me, Little Miss Oompa Loompa. 105 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,320 I have a very busy life. 106 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,160 I'm having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas... 107 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,480 This week I'm on the rota rota for Rotary. 108 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,120 I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber. 109 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:15,960 It's just down 'ere, guvnor, mate, me friend, awright? 110 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,680 D'you want a brew? 'Jestive? 111 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,800 OK, love, let's just quickly seal this crack, shall we? 112 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,680 Right, I'm to have a mature, adult day about town, 113 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,560 fully commando. 114 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,640 Actually, I'm beginning to enjoy the freedom now. 115 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,280 Oh, it's fabulous! 116 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,080 I've been pantless since... 117 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,120 Don't say that. 118 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,520 I skinny-dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice. 119 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,080 Such fun! 120 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,840 I'll never recover. 121 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,840 - Ooh! - MIRANDA GIGGLES 122 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,360 Ooh, that's breezy! 123 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,400 How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles? 124 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,080 Serious woman. 125 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,120 MIRANDA GIGGLES 126 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,080 I'm not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs. 127 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,800 - Hi, Gary. Hi, Rose. - Hey. 128 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,040 Where did you put the muslins, Papa Bear? 129 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,160 - What's going on? - Well, I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison, 130 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,240 - but I've got this urgent loan application I've got to fill out. - Tell her. 131 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,480 He's buying the restaurant! 132 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,360 Wow, that's so exciting, Gary! 133 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,840 - Thank you. - Congrats, babe. 134 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:26,880 Thanks, darling. 135 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,000 See you later. 136 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,400 You're sure you can't help us, Gary? 137 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,440 Well, hello? Babysitter. 138 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,120 Ah, well, hello? Responsibility. 139 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,400 Hello, rude. 140 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,120 We're... We're having a little bosom leakage. 141 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,760 Ooh, still breastfeeding. 142 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,440 Well, nothing beats mother's latte. 143 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:44,840 So, good news... 144 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,280 Miranda's offered to baby-sit. 145 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,320 Oh! 146 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:48,680 Well... 147 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:49,720 We're desperate. 148 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,680 Er... It's only a couple of hours. It's a hospital appointment. 149 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,080 She's got to have a scrape. 150 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,120 Ooh, right, OK. 151 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,040 Now, that's the kind of word you should mouth, all right? 152 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,880 - MOUTHS: - "Scrape." 153 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,160 - We want to try for another. - MIGHT try for another. 154 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,200 - Only I can speak for my vagina. - Why?! 155 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,200 Why? 156 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,400 157 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,960 158 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,920 You're going to have fun with Auntie Miranda. 159 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,880 We've booked a music session at the soft play centre. 160 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,720 So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, er... Mr Boo Boo. 161 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,760 HE LAUGHS 162 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,160 Now, come on, dumpling! 163 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,920 Thank you. You're a lifesaver. 164 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,360 Ooh! 165 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,640 - Nearly snogged there. - Yes. 166 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,680 Right, OK. 167 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,560 Sophisticated lady coming through. 168 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,720 Ooh! Madam! 169 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,720 We're going to have fun, aren't we, little... 170 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,600 Perhaps my pashmina's got stuck in... 171 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,080 I think that it's stuck... 172 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,440 ALL: 173 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,000 174 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,120 175 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,080 176 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,320 177 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,800 178 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,640 My turn? Er... 179 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,680 Dolphin. 180 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,720 Out of the box. 181 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,360 With a... 182 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,480 Chhh... 183 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,360 - here, and a... - SHE CLICKS - ..there... 184 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,520 - Here a... - SHE WAILS 185 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,880 ..there a Chhhhh... 186 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,320 - everywhere a... - SHE CLICKS 187 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,560 SHE SUCKS IN AIR 188 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,200 Chhh...Chhhh... 189 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,560 190 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,280 Move up, move up! 191 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:30,520 Oh! 192 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,280 Ohh, me back's gone. 193 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,400 Oh, all right, OK! Kids backing up. 194 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,600 Oh, you stink! 195 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,080 196 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,000 This is the only way down. 197 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,440 But my back. I can't and I'm scared. 198 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,760 I'm sorry, I just... 199 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,440 Ooh! 200 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,520 Ooh, my God! 201 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,200 Oh, my back! 202 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,320 Oh! 203 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,760 Yes, yes, I... 204 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,960 Yes, I think we ought to be able to ease that. 205 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,800 So, if you'd like to get down to your bra... 206 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,800 Bra and vest and pants, and then, um... 207 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,040 I'll pop back in a moment. 208 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,560 SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE TUNE 209 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,080 - SHE GASPS - No pants! 210 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,680 Yes, 20 mg of Voltarol should do the trick. 211 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,960 And tell her that I'll speak to her when I've seen my patient. 212 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,080 Ohh, my! 213 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,160 Oh! Oh, right! 214 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,000 You do need the paper on the couch. 215 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,720 I presumed it was there for origami. 216 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,480 Hence the origami pants-slash-nappy. 217 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,720 Has anyone ever done you a swan, or..? 218 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,120 No, you're the first patient who's done origami. 219 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,080 Well, it's a happy day for us both, then, isn't it? 220 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,440 So if you'd like to lie face-up on the couch, please? 221 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,680 - As the osteo said to the patient. - SHE GIGGLES 222 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,800 No? OK. 223 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,680 Ooh! 224 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,280 Hello! 225 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,400 Intimate, isn't it? 226 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,880 We'll have to become engaged after this, sir. 227 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:19,960 Wig! 228 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,000 Wig! 229 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,040 - And perhaps you'd like to lie on your side, please? - Yes. 230 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,080 Thank you. 231 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,840 Oooh! 232 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,000 Did we just consummate our engagement? 233 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,960 So, just one final stretch, OK? 234 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,680 SHE FARTS LOUDLY 235 00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,920 Oh, good day to you. 236 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,640 One - why are you wearing your Where's Miranda outfit? 237 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:07,200 And B - how was your mature day about town? 238 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,160 One, I've only got this left to wear, washing machine is still broken. 239 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,880 And B - I got stuck in a tunnel in a soft play centre, did my back in, 240 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,680 went pantless to an osteopath where I farted and blew out a candle. 241 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,240 - I don't... - I know. I know. 242 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,920 And instead of getting over it like a normal 30-something, 243 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,800 with a glass of wine and a leaf through Tatler, 244 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:31,480 last night, I got a felt-tip pen and decorated my breasts as Jedward. 245 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,880 Mike is going to realise I'm a nonsense and dump me. 246 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:37,920 Then, sire, 247 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:41,560 I throw down the "It's Time To Grow Up And Do Without Mummy" gauntlet. 248 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,520 Well, sire, I pick up your gauntlet. 249 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:49,080 With such verve and vigour, I smash it about your little tiny face. 250 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,200 Hey, Quirky! 251 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,160 (Hi!) 252 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,480 Listen, about tonight, I just had a call from Dad. 253 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,840 He's really down, so I said I'd go out with him tonight. 254 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:57,880 No worries. 255 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,640 Well, actually, he asked about finally meeting you. 256 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,720 Ooh, that's a step. I'm not sure if... 257 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,760 - Gauntlet! - GAUNTLET! 258 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,560 Sorry. 259 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,080 Yes, good, no. I would like to meet my boyfriend's father. 260 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,680 Bring him round, I'll cook. 261 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,160 Great! 262 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,200 AUDIENCE WHOOPS 263 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,160 - Bit nervous. With previous girlfriends, there's always been a bit of a culling. - Culling? 264 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,200 He's... 265 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,240 He's particular. 266 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,280 Is he? 267 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,880 I've stitched your bra. 268 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,160 269 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,080 Is how excited I am about tonight. 270 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,360 See you later. 271 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:35,800 Sorry, Mother. 272 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,520 Sorry. 273 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,040 It's just, I am with gauntlet, 274 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,640 and from now on, I take all adult tasks on. 275 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,360 For tonight, I cook for my boyfriend's father. 276 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,680 BOTH: Sire! 277 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,560 It's for Mike's father? 278 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,600 Er... Yeah, that's fine, that's fine. 279 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,600 Very happy not to get involved... 280 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,640 Sire. 281 00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,480 Bye, Miranda, live well. 282 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,160 Wine glasses, not tumblers, and use the crockery your aunt left you. 283 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,440 Penny! Go! 284 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,360 - Which one's that? - The flowery one. 285 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,800 No, which one's crockery? Plates or spoons? 286 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,000 Oh, help us all! 287 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,400 - Bye, darling. - Bye, Mummy! 288 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,880 Oh, it's for your own good! 289 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,880 (Red wine - meat. White wine - fish. And if in doubt - Delia.) 290 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:20,920 Oi! 291 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,120 I knew you'd never do it. 292 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,160 "Mature relationship"? 293 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,640 Oh... Well, now, I have had enough of this doubting, 294 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,160 Little Miss and Mrs Doubtfire. 295 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,280 Yeah? 296 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,480 And tonight I shall have a couple's dinner party. 297 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:43,280 And without your help, I shall have a soiree with home-cooked fare, 298 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,000 and good crockery, 299 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,680 which is plates. 300 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,640 And there shall be Buble on the stereo, 301 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,880 and I won't even laugh at the name Bubl... 302 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,160 It's got "boob" in it! 303 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:03,080 Stevie, if you manage to get a boyfriend by tonight, do come. 304 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,720 Right, ingredients. 305 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,480 Hello to you, alfalfa. 306 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,720 I thought you were a llama, but a hearty welcome. 307 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,400 Right, let's do this. 308 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,520 Can't be that hard! 309 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,320 - SOBBING: - It's really hard! 310 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560 At one point, I was told to skiffle carrots. 311 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,600 Skiffle?! 312 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,840 Am I to play them a percussive instrument and dance for them? 313 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,640 My carrots? 314 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,000 I confused tsp with tbsp. 315 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,760 Trying to do a salmon terrine starter. 316 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,640 Who can strike clean a piece of cling film? 317 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000 I was going to do crepe suzette for pudding, but, um... 318 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,040 Penis pasta, what's that doing there? 319 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,920 That's not fun to eat in your 30s. 320 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,080 I see only one option. 321 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,160 Sorry... 322 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,440 SHE GASPS 323 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,720 All hail! A terrine! 324 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,720 Even potatoes! 325 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,160 Why do we bother cooking? 326 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:17,000 - Why? - I'm doing this fish pie for six, and they'll never know! 327 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,560 328 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,800 329 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,360 330 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,440 - Lovely! - Thank you! 331 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,640 Now go, ladies, go. 332 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,600 Decant in your own dishes and lie! 333 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,480 SHE GIGGLES 334 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,360 Who has caused me a wonky throw? 335 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,440 Now, are you sure you don't mind us babysitting? 336 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,520 - I'm really sorry, I just have to make it up to Chris and Alison. - Of course. 337 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,680 Can I pop the baby monitor here? 338 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,360 I'm not interfering. 339 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,360 If I were, I'd say, "Dab that stain off your dress." 340 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,560 I'm saying nothing. 341 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,200 Mother, this is soap, because I hand-washed it, 342 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,680 and I've called the plumber back. 343 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,920 I am an in-control adult with my cocktail sausages. 344 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,160 SHE GIGGLES 345 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,640 - DOORBELL RINGS - Ooh! Oh! 346 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,440 This is my boyfriend, Norman. 347 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,560 We've come for the dinner party. 348 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,840 You have clearly just dragged a traffic warden off the street. 349 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,560 No, no, we're seeing each other. 350 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600 Get off me! 351 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:22,680 Babe... 352 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,240 - Come and help me settle him. - Yeah, yeah, sure. 353 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,800 Get this out! 354 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,120 - MIKE: - Yes, she bought the shop about four years ago... 355 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,840 Bum bummery! They're here. 356 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,320 OK, act normal, act normal. 357 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,680 No, more natural. More natural. Just... 358 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,240 Miranda! 359 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,400 This is my father. 360 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,120 Well... 361 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,680 Well... 362 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,600 Very nice to meet you, Miranda. 363 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,480 Very nice to meet you too, Mr Jackford. 364 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,520 Call me Valerie. 365 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,920 Yeah, good one, call me Derek! 366 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,440 - SHE GIGGLES - Dad's name is Valerie. 367 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,440 What's your mum called, Dave? 368 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,160 Right! Um... 369 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,400 Let me introduce you to my mother. 370 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,160 For tonight you are a Valerie Singleton, if you... 371 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,520 Dad, this is Penny. 372 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,880 Stevie, osteopath, he was the osteopath! 373 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,960 No! MIRANDA GASPS 374 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,120 Sir, um... Could I take your coat? 375 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,040 Sorry. 376 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,800 Lovely, and your keys? 377 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,240 Or shall I throw them in a bowl? 378 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,960 VALERIE LAUGHS 379 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,200 It's a joke! 380 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,880 It's a joke! 381 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,360 - Sorry. Are you OK? - Yes, of course. Yes. 382 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,640 Now, do sit down, let me plump you a scatter cushion. 383 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,720 Help yourself to sausages. 384 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,800 Can I get you a warming glass o' rouge? 385 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,400 I'm so getting culled! 386 00:17:58,840 --> 00:17:59,920 Wig! 387 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,640 ALL THREE: Wig! Wig! 388 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,600 There you go. 389 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,160 Oh, thank you. 390 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,960 Now, do relax in my nibble and mingle zone. 391 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,240 - So... - THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE 392 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,560 He's just done an explosive poo right up to his armpits. 393 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,520 Well, on that note, I think I'll leave. 394 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,560 VALERIE LAUGHS 395 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,680 It was a joke, yeah! 396 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,240 It was a joke. 397 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,280 I shat meself once. 398 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,600 Now, er, let me just sort out my dessert. 399 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,280 I've got syphilis. 400 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,240 Physalis! 401 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,760 Physalis, the fruit, exotic fruit. 402 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,160 I have not got syphilis. 403 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,960 VALERIE LAUGHS 404 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240 Laughter delay. 405 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,800 Now, you know what's for dessert, 406 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,920 but for starter, we're having a smoked salmon terrine, 407 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,000 and for main, we shall be having lamb. 408 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,760 So, the terrines. I'll just get them out. 409 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,880 And the terrines. 410 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,600 It's a joke about getting your breasts out instead of the terrines. 411 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,160 One for you. 412 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,080 Nothing. 413 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,800 THEY ALL CHATTER 414 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:39,840 Oh, thank you. 415 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,680 HE CHINKS GLASS 416 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,200 Shall we say grace? 417 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,840 - Oh, right. - Oh, yes. - Yes, of course, we always do. 418 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,320 Me? 419 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,520 Right... 420 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,560 One... 421 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,560 Lord, um... 422 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,240 We...thank you for...the music. 423 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,080 The songs we're singing. 424 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,160 One... 425 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,840 We thank you for your bread of heaven. 426 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:10,280 Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more. 427 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,960 428 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,120 Feed me till I want no more, so much, 429 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,080 thank you very much to you God, please, amen. 430 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:21,920 Mmm! 431 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,640 Oh, delicious! 432 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,600 Mmm! 433 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,200 And what did you use? 434 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,840 Oh, um, well...skills... 435 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,440 um, utensils... 436 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,200 terrine mix, terrine powder. 437 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,960 I think I've got a bit of pants in my terrine. 438 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,720 They'll be Miranda's. She had to wash them in the dishwasher. 439 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,000 Right, excuse me while I just check on my gravy. 440 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,480 MIRANDA COUGHS LOUDLY 441 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,600 BABY CRIES 442 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,280 I'll go. 443 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,720 So, are you thinking of having children, Miranda? 444 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,600 All that dribbling and talking gibberish, 445 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,240 you've got plenty in common. 446 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:08,960 VALERIE LAUGHS 447 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,000 Dad! 448 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,800 Do you think you could do the laugh while you're making the joke? 449 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,960 That way there won't be any false starts. 450 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,640 I think she'd make a great mum. 451 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,240 Well, she's already got a (very weak) PELVIC FLOOR. 452 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,040 Such fun! 453 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:37,640 Penny, why don't you tell us about the work you're having done? 454 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,440 Yes, what are you having done? 455 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,240 The crow's feet I can see... 456 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,720 On my kitchen. 457 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,520 On my kitchen, you stupid old... 458 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,280 Shall we play a game, shall we? 459 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,320 460 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,240 - That's a kids' game! - Yes! Ridiculous suggestion. 461 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,920 I mean, I prefer dinner party convo. 462 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,320 So, um... 463 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,080 Well, Norman, what do you do for a hobby? 464 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,880 I like to let kittens feed from my beard. 465 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,120 Shall we play a game? I think we should play a game. 466 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,080 - Let's play a game. - What about the were game? 467 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:12,400 You know, if you were going to be a were-animal for one night, like a werewolf, what animal would you be? 468 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,080 What, like Valerie would be a were-toupee? 469 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,800 ALL: 470 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,960 My lamb looks OK, I've made a new gravy, 471 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,800 I'm clawing it back. 472 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,200 Ooh! Oh! 473 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,480 My meat's gone mobile. 474 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,520 Oh, hot! Five-second rule. 475 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,920 Hot! Five-second rule. 476 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,680 Hot! Five-second rule. 477 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:31,880 Oh! 478 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,520 What is going on? 479 00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,280 My meat's gone mobile. 480 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,640 Valerie thinks I'm insane. 481 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,680 - You're not helping. - Now, listen here. 482 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,640 I like Mike, and you are more than good enough for him. 483 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,480 I do not like Valerie. 484 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760 I will not be dictated to by Stevie the crazed leprechaun, 485 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,960 and a man with a dead badger on his head. 486 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,560 - We stick together. - Oh, Mummy! 487 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,240 Help me with a new main course. 488 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,720 - SHE GASPS - Mum! 489 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,720 The microwave is about to go ping. I've put the MandS potatoes in there. 490 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,680 What are you two up to in there? 491 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,040 BOTH: Nothing! 492 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,080 MICROWAVE BLEEPS 493 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,120 THEY SCREAM 494 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,720 Sorry, we thought we saw a, er... 495 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:14,840 - Mouse. - Mouse! 496 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,880 What?! 497 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,400 Really, babe? 498 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,960 Oh, you need to man up. 499 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,600 I am so pleased my daughter's moved on to your lovely son, Vanessa. 500 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,240 What do you mean, moved on? 501 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,400 She's had a thing for Gary for years. 502 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,560 - It wasn't really a thing. - ..wasn't really a thing. 503 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,840 Well, was it a thing, or wasn't it a thing? 504 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,720 Well, if you can call a couple of dates... 505 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:41,760 You dated? 506 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,120 Well, nothing ever really happened. 507 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:47,360 Oh, tell me about it! On, off, on, off... 508 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,480 And do you still want it to be on? 509 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,360 BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no! 510 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,400 No! 511 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:57,720 BABY CRIES 512 00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,720 - STEVIE: I'll give you a hand. - Rose... 513 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,160 - PENNY OVER MONITOR: - 'You are not doing Miranda any favours.' 514 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,840 STEVIE: 'She's on a losing streak with that Valerie.' 515 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:16,160 'Her first proper boyfriend, and the father's got the personality 516 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,880 'of a self-service checkout.' 517 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,400 - GARY: - 'Oh, and that wig! It's like roadkill!' 518 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,720 - PENNY LAUGHS - 'Yes, well... 519 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880 'If Miranda gets desperate, we can always grill that!' 520 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,760 THEY LAUGH 521 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,080 LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY 522 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,280 'This monitor's on, isn't it?' 523 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,360 TRICKLING WATER 524 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,320 BOTH: Brazen wee. 525 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,160 TOILET FLUSHES 526 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,560 Sir, can I get you a drink? 527 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,640 Would you like a tea, perhaps a camomile? 528 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,200 She's got a redbush. 529 00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,760 The tea, the tea! 530 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,800 Sorry, I was making crepe suzette earlier. 531 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:06,880 (Sorry.) 532 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,760 Right, son, I've had enough of this. 533 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,760 I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party 534 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,120 to be insulted by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family. 535 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,680 Excuse me, my functional is not disfamily. 536 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,160 We are not fysdunctional. 537 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,440 Mr Jackford, I know I haven't portrayed myself well, 538 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,160 but I am a capable woman. 539 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,560 Then why is foam rising throughout your kitchen? 540 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,480 Oh, no! I put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher. 541 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,640 I am normal! 542 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:42,680 Hello? 543 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,920 I'm only coming in if you don't wax my crack again, all right? 544 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,680 Is that penis pasta? 545 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,720 Right! 546 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:51,760 That's it! 547 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,920 I drop the gauntlet. 548 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,920 For the last two days, I've tried to be a grown-up, 549 00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,760 but I have no interest in abiding by the adult rulebook. 550 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,040 I want to do fun things that make me happy, 551 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,080 which by the way, for the record, include making Vegetapals. 552 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,520 Meet Mr Butternut. 553 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,680 You might call me a child. 554 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:13,720 Good. 555 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,240 For if adults had even the slightest in-the-moment joy of a child, 556 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,680 then frankly, the world would be a better place. 557 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:21,720 Oh! 558 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:22,960 And the terrine? 559 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,320 MandS. 560 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,840 Well, I bet you're glad your "thing" with her is over now. 561 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,840 No. Miranda's my best friend, Rose, 562 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,400 and I'm not going to say what you want me to say, 563 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,520 so if you can't handle that, then do you know what? 564 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:38,560 It's over. 565 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,480 - AUDIENCE CHEERS - Fine! 566 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,400 SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME 567 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,120 Come on, Mike. 568 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,160 No, I'm staying. 569 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:53,320 These last two days, I've been worried that you weren't who I thought you were, because I was... 570 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,680 falling in love with you. 571 00:26:55,680 --> 00:27:00,120 Your ridiculous sense of humour, and your... 572 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,040 smile and the way you bring me out of my boring shell, and... 573 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,800 Well, hearing what you just said... 574 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,480 I realised I have fallen in love with you. 575 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,880 I love you, Quirky. 576 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,080 Get off! 577 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,160 And do you know what I really want to do? 578 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,640 BOTH: Foam fight! 579 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 580 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,560 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd